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I Hate My husband of ten years

Sunday, June 17, 2012

May the events below to make us learn to be grateful for what we have:

I hate it, that's what always whisper in my heart for most of our time together. Though married, I never really gave my heart to him. Marriage of emotional abuse parent, makes me hate my own husband.

Although forced marriage, I never showed the attitude of hatred. Though hated it, every day I serve as the task of a wife. I had to do it all because I had no other grip. Several times a desire to leave but I do not have the financial capability and support for anyone. My parents were very fond of my husband because according to them, my husband is a figure of perfect husband for their only daughter.

When married, I became the wife of a very spoiled. I did everything as I please. My husband also indulged in such a way. I never really had my duties as a wife. I always depend on him because I thought it was supposed to be after what he did to me. I gave my life to him that his job makes me happy to obey all my wishes.

In our house, I'm the queen. No one dared to resist. If there is little problem, I always blame my husband. I do not like a wet towel placed on the bed, I hate to see it put the spoon stirring the rest of the milk on the table and it left a sticky, I hate when he uses my computer even if only to finish the job. I was angry when he hung his clothes in kapstock my shirt, I'm also angry that he put the toothpaste without squeezing it neatly, I was angry when he contacted me to many times when I'm having fun with my friends.

I had chosen not to have children. Although it does not work, but I do not want to take care of the child. Initially he and I will support family planning with the pill. But apparently he wants to hide it in until one day I forgot to take birth control pills and even though he knew he had let it. I also pregnant and did not realize until after more than four months, refused to abort dokterpun.

That's the greatest anger him. Anger grew when I was expecting twins and have had a difficult birth. I forced him to act a vasectomy so I'm not pregnant anymore. Dutifully, he did all of my wishes because I threatened to leave with our two children.

Time passed until the children do not feel over-year to eight. Like the previous morning, I woke up at the end. Husband and children were waiting for me at the dinner table. As usual, it was he who provided breakfast and the kids off to school. That day, he warned that day there was the anniversary of my mother. I just replied with a nod of his words regardless of events reminiscent of the previous year, when I choose to go to the mall and the mother was not present at the event. Well, because they feel trapped in my marriage, I also hate my parents.

Prior to the office, usually my husband just kissed me and the children followed. But that day, he hugged me so the kids tease him noisily. I tried to dodge and release the arms. Although finally smile with the children. He kissed back up several times at the door, as if the weight to go.

When they leave, I will decide to go to the salon. Spending time to the salon is a hobby of mine. I arrived at the salon langgananku few hours later. In the salon I met one of my friends as well as those who did not like. We chat with each other showing off fun including our activities. It was time I had to pay the bills salon, but how shocked I was when I realized that my wallet left behind at home. Although the deepest reach into my bag until I could not find it in the bag.

Trying to remember what happened until I could not find my wallet I called my husband and ask.

"Sorry dear, Farhan yesterday asking pocket money and I have little money it took from your wallet. I forgot to put it back into the bag, I think I put on my desk. "Said explained gently.

Angrily, I scolded her harshly. I hung up without waiting for finish. Shortly thereafter, handphoneku resumes and although still upset, I will lift it with half snaps. "What else?"

"Honey, I'm home now, I'll grab his wallet and drove him to you. Unfortunately now there is where? "Asked my husband quickly, afraid I hung up again. I mention the name of my salon and without waiting for the answer again, I re-hung.

I spoke with the cashier and said that my husband would come to pay my bill. The owner of Salon that my friend had in fact let me go and said I could pay for it later when I come back again.

But the shame of the "enemy" also come to hear me out of my wallet makes me proud to owe first.

The rain fell as I looked out and expect the car to my husband immediately. Minutes stretched into hours, I was getting impatient so started calling my husband's cell phone. There was no answer despite repeated call. Though usually only twice has he lifted the phone rang. I began to feel uncomfortable and angry.

Phone picked up after several attempts. When the sound of yet another bentakanku out, a strange voice answered the phone my husband. I was silent for a moment before the sound stranger introduced himself, "Good day, mother. Is the mother the wife of the father armandi? "I answer that question soon.

Stranger turned out to be a policeman, he was told that my husband had an accident and now he is being taken to the police hospital. At that moment I was silent and the only answer thank you. When the phone is closed, I crouched in puzzlement. My hands clutched the phone in my hands and some salon employees approached me with a swift asked what was wrong until my face turned pale white as paper.

Somehow I ended up in hospital. Somehow also knew the whole family was there to catch up. I'm just waiting for my husband's silence in front of the emergency room. I do not know what to do as long as it was he who did everything for me. When finally after waiting several hours, just as the sunset call to prayer echoes sounded a doctor came out and delivered the news. My husband is gone. He left not because of the accident itself, stroke was the cause of his death.

Finished hearing the fact, I even busy parents and parents reinforce the shock. There was absolutely no drop of tears in my eyes out. I was busy calming the mother and father-in-law. Children who are hit with a tight hug, but their grief utterly unable to make me cry.

When the corpse was brought into the house and I sat in front of him, I was staring face. I realize this is the first time I actually looked at his face that seemed fast asleep. I approached her and looked at it carefully.

That's when my chest becomes congested remembered what he'd given me for ten years together. Gently touched her face was cold and I realize that this is the first time I touched her face, which had always decorated with a warm smile.

Spread tears in my eyes, blurring my vision. I gasped trying to wipe the tears did not hinder my last look at her, I want her to remember all the good memories about my husband could have ended there. But instead of stopping, the torrential flooding tears on both cheeks. Warnings from mosque imam who could not organize a funeral procession made me stop crying. I tried not to, but my chest remembering what I did to him last time we talked.

I remembered how I never pay attention to his health. I hardly ever manage to eat. Though he always manage what I eat. He noticed that vitamins and medications should kukonsumsi especially when pregnant and after childbirth. He never missed eating regularly reminded, sometimes even feed me if I'm lazy to eat. I never knew what he was eating because I never asked. I do not even know what he likes and dislikes.

Almost the entire family to know that my husband is a fan of strong coffee and instant noodles. My chest to hear, because I know he may be forced to eat instant noodles because I hardly ever cook for him. I'm just cooking for the kids and myself. I do not care he had eaten or not when I go home. He can eat my cooking only when left. And he came home late from work every day because it is quite far away from home. I never want to respond to his request to move closer to his office for not far away from where my friends live.

At the funeral, I could not help himself. I fainted when I saw him disappear along piles of stockpiled soil. I do not know anything until waking up in my big bed. I awoke with a sense of regret meeting my chest cavity. My extended family in vain to persuade me because they never knew why I was so hurt to lose him.

I spent the days after his departure is not freedom as long as it wanted, but instead I was trapped in the desire to be with him. In the early days of his departure, I sat stunned staring at an empty plate. Father, mother and mother-in-law persuaded me to eat. But what I remember is when my husband talked me eat when I'm mengambek first.

When I forgot to bring a towel in the bath, I screamed and called her as usual when in fact my mother is coming, I crouched down crying in the bathroom hope he comes. Habit of calling every time I can not do anything at home, making his bewildered friend answered the phone. Every night I waited in the bedroom and expect the next morning I woke up next to her figure.

I was so upset when first heard snoring sleep, but now I even wake up for the longing to hear it again. First I was upset because he was often a mess in our bedroom, but now I feel our bedroom was empty and hollow. Once I was so upset when it does the job and left it on my laptop without having to log out, now I'm staring at a computer, the keys rubbed his fingers hoping the former is still left there.

First I do not like it to make coffee without a base plate on the table, now the scar is left on the breakfast terakhirnyapun not want to erase. Typical television remote hiding, is now easily found, though I wish I could replace the loss with the loss of the remote. All the stupidity that I did because I realized that he loved me and I have been hit by an arrow of love.

I'm also angry at myself, I was angry because all seemed normal although she had none. I'm angry

because the clothes are still there to leave the smell that makes me nostalgic. I was angry because he can not stop all my sorrow. I was angry because there's nothing to persuade me to calm down, reminding me there's nothing more I pray even now willingly.

I pray because I want to apologize, to apologize to God for a husband squandered was awarded to me, asking forgiveness for being a bad wife to her husband who is so perfect. Sholatlah are able to remove my grief a little. Love God showed to me with so much attention from the family for me and the kids. My friends who have been defending Stand up, almost never show their nose after the departure of my husband.

Forty days after his death, reminding families to rise from adversity. There are two children who are waiting for me and should I live. Back a sense of confusion came over me. During this time I knew something wrong and never worked. My husband is all done. How much of his income during this I do not care, I care about only the amount of dollars that he transfer to my account for personal use and wear for every month the money is almost never left. From the office where she works, I get the final salary with bonus compensation.

I was speechless when he saw it did not expect, it turns out the entire salary is transferred into my account so far. Though I was never the slightest use for domestic purposes. Somewhere else where he obtained the money to meet domestic needs because I never asked about itu.Yang though I know now I have to work or my children would not be able to live because of the number of final salary and bonus compensation would not be enough to feed three of us. But working in? I hardly ever have any experience at all. Everything is always governed by him.

Bewilderment missed some time later. My father came with a notary. He brings a lot of documents. Then provide a notarized letter. Husband's affidavit that he bequeathed his entire estate to me and the kids, he accompanied his mother in the letter but that made me unable to say anything is what she wrote for me.

Beloved wife Liliana,

Sorry to have to leave first, dear. sorry to make you responsible for taking care of everything yourself. I'm sorry I can not give love and affection again. God gave me a very short time for love and children is the best thing I ever did for you.

If I could, I would like to accompany love forever. But I do not want you to lose my love for granted. I've been saving little by little to your life later. I do not want to love hard after I left. There's not much but I hope I can give love to use it to raise and educate children. Do your best to them, yes dear.

Do not cry, my love being spoiled. Do a lot of things to make your life wasted all this time. I give you the freedom to realize the dreams that you do not have time for this. Forgive me if I trouble you and may God give you better than me mate.

Dear Farah, my beloved daughter. I'm sorry because my father could be there with you. Be a good wife as mother and Farhan, knight protector. Take care of mother and Farah. Do not be a naughty boy again and always remember where you were, my father would see him there. Okay, Buddy!

I wept reading the letter, there is a cartoon with glasses that were typical of the tongue sticking my husband if he sent the note. Notary told that during this time my husband has some insurance and savings deposits of the legacy of his biological father. My husband made some of the savings deposit business and the business was quite successful despite dimanajerin by those beliefs. I can only cry to know how much he loved us, so that when death came to him he was still flooded us with love.

I never thought to marry again. The number of men who attended was able to remove the figure is still so alive in my heart. Day after day just kuabdikan for my children. When my parents and my in-laws go one by one leaving selaman ever, none left the sadness deep sadness when my husband left.

The second son is now twenty-three year old daughter. In two days my daughter marry a young man from the land side. Our daughter asked, "Mom, I'm going to do it later after becoming a wife, Farah because it can cook ga, ga can nyuci, how ya lady?"

I hugged her saying "Love love, love your husband, love the choice of your heart, love what he has and you will get everything. For love, you will learn to please him, will learn to accept his shortcomings, will learn that for any problem, you'll finish it in the name of love. "

My daughter looked at me, "like a mother's love for the father? Is that love makes the mother remained faithful to the father until now? "

I shook my head, "no, my dear. Love your husband like a father loves the mother first, like a father loves you both. Devoted mother to my father for father's love is so great in the mother and both of you. "

I probably got lucky because it did not show my love for my husband. I spent ten years to hate him, but spent most of the rest of my life for love. I'm free of him because of death, but I could never free from the love that is so sincere.

Between Love And Friendship

Friday, June 15, 2012

may be very painful if we are in a position to choose between love and friendship,
I admit, ....
I will not take risks that are too painful,
I would not choose it,
I will make sure that my best friend is the one for me and my love is the person I choose for my future,
I'm sure my love will be all right,
because of a sincere love will clearly understand.
how meaningful a friendship.
"sacrifice" in both of them had to be excluded from our everyday lives,
I could not have sacrificed my friendship to a love,
and I could not love for a kegoisan mengorbakankan alone,
hay my friend and my love,
understood you,
you are the very means of life.

no sweet promises of friendship, but the real action is always given to you always with me forever,
and always try to understand my situation.

I love my friends,
and I always loved my love someday

If it works just worked, worked monkeys

Saturday, June 9, 2012

last night

A friend asked me

Why would the situation be like this, ..?

Then I answered

"The right man on the right place and the right time" is lost brother, ..


do not expect everything will be fine.

After that my mind drifted

Then get to the city Minang and met my old friend

At that time he said:

"If you just live life, live pigs in the forest as well"

"If it works just worked, worked monkeys"